Lost And Found

Having a child has many astounding affects on many people. If it does one thing to everybody though it's this. The searching. The sudden realization to stop, pause life, reflect, gather and contemplate. To go over the things in your life which you know or have learned thus far and simply....ponder. It's interesting to me today that, that very thing is the reason I started this blog. To ponder. Life, the ins, outs, complexities and oddities. To share the joy I take in finding the quirks. Here I am now, being brought through so much more to ponder. Maybe that just confirms that I was on the right path all along. So, I am here to share. These are the thoughts that have been racing lately. The lost and found moments of recent if you will....

Finding a beautiful moment in time. Occasionally in my life I have found myself struck by these absolutely amazing moments. Never when I expect them, but always when I seem to most need them. I get lost in myself sometimes. We all do. Caught up in the everyday junk. Caught up in the sadness's and pessimism's of life and not being grateful or simply not understanding why we face so many challenges. For me though, when that moment hits. That peace finally arises it makes all the other stuff worth it. The small stuff is truly what matters for me. I found a moment this evening. I have been sad, confused, madly in love, blessed, happy and strangely wonderful lately. I sit here this afternoon though. A beautiful inspiring moment having landed in my lap when I needed it most. Sia is playing in the background, candles are lit and the smell is intoxicating. The sun glimmers little bits of light through the trees surrounding my cozy space. The wind is blowing just a slight breeze, kissing everything lightly as it passes, the leaves rustling and a slight chill in the air. A moment of pure peace to reflect. I love these moments.

A donut can cure most hungry ills, and three cold chocolate donuts in a matter of two hours can even cure a pregnant woman's ills!

A lesson learned by expansion. I recently reinforced in a friend, a valuable lesson that was told to me when becoming a parent the first time around. A lesson that is simple enough. Sometimes however we need reminding. "It is always harder to be a good parent." I have always only thought of this lesson so blatantly in this context. Parenting. How naive of me. Fact is, it's is harder to do anything the right way. That's what gives the feelings of success though. The getting through it. I know its not easy to do the right things in life. It is worth it, but not easy. In reminding my friend of this, I reminded myself. Funny how that works.

Who remembers Nell?? The movie Nell. That woman was free. With the fear of sounding half witted over here. I have those moments when all I want to do is throw my hands in the air and dance around half hazard without any inhibition.

At some moment we are all our parents aren't we? If that's not a lesson in parenting then I don't know what is.

An angst filled love with fate. Dear Lord, life has shown me a tough path at certain turns in the road. I have days when all I want to do is fall to pieces and cry from the tiredness that takes over my body. In these moments I ask repeatedly, screaming, "why" I just want to see. Praying "God just give me the strength." I always pull through. The pieces always come together and the beautiful twisted story of events that lies behind is always, always an incredulous moment in my life that leads to such knowledge that at times it feels I may not be able to carry it all around. I may topple. I feel so blessed. Blessed to have made it through the tragedies that have struck so that I can realize and appreciate even the hard times.

The deep is just that. Deep. Life is so amazingly beautiful!

Prego. Holy Shit.. It's In Where?

That's right folks. This lady is Prego and that was pretty much my reaction when I found out too. I've been pregnant before, so, yes, I do realize how this works. I can say with assurance though that Rafe and I were both very surprised to find a positive pee on a stick, so surprised that I peed on another one and then went to the doc too just for "third times a charm" benefits. We are very excited to be having a little babe added to our family and it has, so far, just showed me again why I love Rafe. He has been so attentive and sweet. He is a pretty great guy!

So, along with this news has come the added bonuses of nausea, extreme need for sleepy time, hunger at all hours, emotional dramatization, and mommy potato brain. Or, aka...my brain has turned to mush!

The nausea has been a real pain in my ass cause unlike my pregnancy with Tim where I had "morning sickness" this is lasting all day long, every day, and even night. So not cool. I can't stand being an emotional wreck, especially when there is no rhyme or reason and it is purely hormonal. I apologize now to anybody that I scream, cry, laugh, or growl at in a completely inappropriate state.

The fun side. Mush brain! Some of you that read this may not realize what exactly I'm referring to. When a woman is pregnant her body is so out of whack and she has so much going on that she starts to do really stupid things and looses all sense of logic. Such as example number one: making a bowl of cereal for breakfast and then placing it in the freezer and going to watch the morning news.....therefore not eating the cereal or even realizing what you have done until you have half frozen mini wheat floating in milk ice!! WTF?? I must say at this point that I'm not sure if it's because I'm older that this is happening sooner in prego months, or the hormones are just extra crazy from that Colombian lovin. However, in previous Tim pregnancy this didn't start happening to me until I was about 7 months and I only had one thing that I did repeatedly and that was to leave the keys in the car, running after I would get home from work. Not sure why...maybe my hormones were just out to destroy the planet with carbon gases.

This pregnancy though, has already embarked on my stupid ass brain as noted in frozen floaters above. I have also translated needing two vitamins a day into "I need to buy two bottles". These are the same kinds of vitamins AM and PM mind you. I have left to babysit the Bennington Babes and left my house unlocked and doors wide open for a period of 7 hours simple cause I forgot that you close the door when leaving the house.

Last but not least the cat incident. I have noticed that Ferb kitty is on me constantly. I realize that animals have sensory about these sorts of situations but he is driving me bonkers!! He follows me EVERYWHERE and when I'm standing in one spot for more than two minutes he jumps UP my leg. As if to say "hey lady, your pregnant, sit the fuck down and take it easy." He even follows me to the bathroom, which is my incident theme room. I came home today from shopping. I was the only person in the house at this point and was not expecting company any time soon. As I walk to the bathroom, of course the dad cat follows his prancy ass behind me at which point I kick him out of the bathroom so that I can pee in peace and then I lock the door. Let's see...I LOCKED THE DOOR!!! Like that fraking cat is going to climb up and unlock it because he's just that interested or even cause he can....What?? I locked the door.I locked the door so the cat couldn't get into the bathroom people! Geez.

You know. I think there is a Dane Cook skit about things like this. Somebody help me!!! No wonder moms have that lasting effect of mom mush brain when they go to call their child's names and end up calling out every other persons name they've ever met before finally landing on the child's name that the frustrations were meant for. Thank god Rafe is moving in so that I don't do something crazy like super glue my ass to the floor or something!